Saturday, March 15, 2003

In January 2003, I spent a week writing nothing but politicial-themed lightbulb jokes on my blog, tedbarlow.blogspot.com. I was very pleased by the reponse that it got, and promised that I would assemble all the jokes that I wrote, along with all the jokes from other bloggers and commentors, into one place. At long last, I've finished it. Enjoy. If you quote them, I'd appreciate a link and an attribution.

This post consists of all of my jokes in sequential order.


Q: How many Andrew Sullivans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Bush again gets it exactly right. While the leftists continue to marginalize themselves by mewling and snorting at the lack of light, the rest of America will be enjoying the darkness that Bush has shrewdly provided. Once again, his instincts and deep bond with the American people carry the day.

KRUGMAN AWARD NOMINEE: "I think I liked it better when the lightbulb worked." Jimmy Thompson, 4th grade, quoted in (where else?) the New York Times.




Q. How many Bob Somerbys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Try to believe that he asked it! We are incomparably reminded of 1998, when Vice-
President Gore was asked...




Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, the invisible hand will do it.




Monday:

Q: How does the Administration plan to deal with the broken lightbulb?

A: Helen, the American people understand that the lightbulb situation has arisen due to the policies of the previous administration, and they appreciate that there has been an effort to deal with it. The President hopes that the Democrats will abandon their obstructionist tactics against tax relief, national security, and judges who will enforce the law. In this time of darkness, we need to come together and support the policies that President Bush was elected to enact.

Q: But how would any of those policies address the problem of the broken lightbulb?

A: I think I’ve already answered that question. Yes, Howard.

Q: Ari, does President Bush believe that the previous administration’s non-eternal lightbulb policies represent a threat to national security? (etc.)




Q. How many liberal bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to do it, and one to point out that Atrios did it first.




Q: How many Michael Moores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one- unless he has a heart attack cause he’s so fat, and ends up loosening his bowels and dying on the floor! Zing!

(Much appreciation to James Lileks for the use of this joke.)




Q: How many Wall Street Journal editorial page writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: There they go again. When will they ever learn? A broken light bulb cannot be “changed” through the discredited feel-good liberal policies of the past. It certainly cannot be negotiated with. A broken lightbulb can only be smashed, smashed so thoroughly that it can never rise again to threaten us with darkness.




Tuesday:

Q: Ari, what are the Administration’s plans for dealing with the broken lightbulb?

A: Define “lightbulb”.




Q: How many Dick Gephardts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares?




Q: Our guest today is Dr. John Lott, author of “More Guns, Less Broken Lightbulbs.”

A: Thank you, it’s great to be here.

Q: Dr. Lott, how does private gun ownership prevent broken lightbulbs?

A: I’m glad you asked. According to my research, 98% of the time, lightbulbs can be changed by merely brandishing a firearm.

Q: That’s interesting. You are aware according to 9 different surveys, 21% to 67% of the time the defender actually had to shoot the gun to change the lightbulb. 98% is obviously much lower than any of these surveys- it implies that it's almost never necessary to actually fire the gun.

A: Yes. Well. I did this survey, but the dog ate it.

Q: But you've been quoted over 50 times using the 98% figure. If it isn't correct, people could be making very dangerous decisions based on your advice.

A: I know. But the conservative media will still vigorously defend me. Ain't I a stinker?




Q: How many Clarence Thomases does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

Q: Your Honor?

A:

Q: Is he awake?




Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but when has that ever stopped us?




Q: How many Kim Jong-ils does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:
Glorious Leader
Salute the light-bringing Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
The Eternal Sun of humankind!
All of our hearts and minds are united of praise and love of Kim Jong-il
In the East and West, Korea is famous worldwide for strong ideology,
great politics, powerful military strength, economic prosperity,
cultural development and ideal morality and loyalty
We will win victory in any confrontation!
As he brought the new star that heralded his birth
The great successor to the glorious revolutionary cause
Will change the light bulb
Freely and independently, bringing illumination to all humans in heart and mind!





Q: How many PBS executives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Sixteen: one to do it, and fifteen to make a sepia-toned mini-series about the old bulb.




Wednesday:

Q: Ari, does the Administration have any plans to repair the growing number of broken lightbulbs?

A: I reject the premise of the question. They could be better described as “opportunitybulbs”.




Q: How many InstaPundits does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And that’s a feature, not a bug.

UPDATE: Doonesbury has a tiresome strip on lightbulbs. I don’t know what happened to Garry Trudeau. He used to be so much funnier and so much more relevant back when I agreed with him. Now he’s really changed.

ANOTHER UPDATE: A reader asks:
“I used to work in academia, and I feel like I have a little insight on these “pro-light” activists. In our office, the lights were often used to illuminate an applicant in order to ascertain his race.

One question is conspicuous for its absence in the major media. Why are they so eager to see the lightbulb changed? Didn’t Martin Luther King fight so hard for a color-blind society? Who are the real racists?”

Good question.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Tim Blair on who the real racists are.

OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST UPDATE: Mickey Kaus has a “sophisticated exegesis” of a lightbulb ad in the Arts and Living section of the New York Times.




Q: How many Bjorn Lomborgs, author of The Skeptical Environmentalist, does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Experts estimate that between 1 and 1000 lightbulbs are changed every day in Svyerkasgaard. Furthermore, these same experts estimate that it takes between 1 and 1000 people to change them. Using these estimates, we can conclude that it takes as many as 1000 people to change a lightbulb, an investment that far outweighs any possible benefit in terms of visibility. So forget that.




(Alternate version)

Q: How many Bjorn Lomborgs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You’re revealing your left-wing bias by asking.




Q: How many Bill Frists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

Q: How many right-wing commentators does it take to point out that Frist’s lightbulb-changing underlines his essential decency and makes him a lot harder to demonize?

A: Pretty much all of them, apparently.




Q: How many Al Sharptons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Why? Because I’m black!?




Q: How many Joe Liebermans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I think that it’s unfair to imply that the Administration hasn’t done all it can with regards to the opportunitybulb situation.




Q: How many Washington Times writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. (Unless that one is Andrew Sullivan, in which case they employ an extra one to discreetly disinfect everything he touches.)




Q: How many Fiskers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:
How

You know, it’s funny. Right after a huge media storm about how racist the bad ol’ Republican party was, Q here starts his question with a salutation straight from Injun Joe in an old Lone Ranger serial. I guess that’s why Strom Thurmond was a DEMOCRAT for all those years. You got that? DEM-O-CRAT.
many

Boy, this just gets better and better, doesn’t it? Q, old boy, you’re batting 1.000 so far.

Isn't it strange to hear an idiotarian like Q-bert here lecturing us about “many”? After all, if his economy-ruining policies were put into effect, the only people who would have “many” of anything would be the trial lawyers.

By the way, “Q”, James Bond called. He wants his former gadget-man’s name back.
Fiskers

Now we’re getting somewhere.
does it take

You know what it “does… take”? It takes honor, and determination, and hard work. Something that your type will never understand. (You probably think that “it takes a village”, right?)

But of course, Qwybaby here isn’t content with just one verb in a sentence. No, he’s got to have two. And an infinitive, to boot:
to change

Change? Regime change, time change, climate change, the times they are a'changin'... what?

Here’s a usage I suspect you're intimately familiar with- “Spare change?”
a lightbulb?

Thank you, Citizen Q. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Advantage: A!




OKAY, ONE MORE UPDATE: Indeed.




Thursday:

Q: Ari, President Bush was quoted yesterday saying that each broken lightbulb-

A: I’m sorry, Terry, I’m not familiar with that term.

Q: Right. Each “opportunitybulb” would be responsible for creating 10,000 new jobs. Furthermore, he said that future unemployment figures would be immediately adjusted downward based on the number of opportunitybulbs. How did he come to the figure of 10,000 new jobs?

A: I’ll have to get back to you on that one, Terry.

Q: Ari, the Wall Street Journal ran that number by three labor experts, and each of them said that 10,000 jobs per bulb was an outrageous number. Do you have any information at all about how they can justify that number?

A: Steve, it’s quite clear that if you were President, you wouldn’t remove 10,000 people from the unemployment rolls for each opportunitybulb. The President has made it quite clear that he will. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. (laughter)

It’s also quite clear that the Wall Street Journal article in question was rather controversial. As you know, Steve, those three quote-unquote “experts” were immediately challenged to a knife fight by the Wall Street Journal’s own Paul Gigot. Also, our Total Information Awareness program has revealed that one of them, Dr. Lawton of Princeton University, downloads pornography onto his home computer. I think that the American people deserve better than that.

Q: Ari, is it legal for you to disseminate that kind of information in order to discredit critics of the Administration?

A: First, I have to disagree with your characterization. But to address your question, it's up to the Supreme Court to decide how the Bush Administration can use its TIA information, not me. Now, does anyone else have a lightbulb question?

Q: No.

Q: No.

Q: No.




Q: How many warbloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I resent the implication. We have the finest all-volunteer lightbulb-changers in the world.




Q: How many Maureen Dowds does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to do it, and one to compare the old, unpopular bulb to Carmella Soprano or some bullshit.




Archaeologists on a joke dig have recently uncovered several strata in the Al Gore joke.

From March 1996:

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

From February 2000:
Q: How many Al Gores-

A: Liar!

From August 2000:
Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Actually, Tipper likes it in the dark. Rowr.

From January 2003
Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: …that’s funny. Ever since he announced he wasn’t running for President, I can’t find Al Gore anywhere.

alternate answer
A: Liar!





(with affection to J.G.)

Q: How many Jane Galts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Gather around, my darlings, while I explain something about the lightbulb industry. I worked in a lightbulb factory in lower Manhattan when I was a wee lass…

(1000 words later)

…round and round until the handle breaks off. My liberal Democratic friends all agree.




Q: How many Jonah Goldbergs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: BETTER TO LIGHT A SINGLE CANDLE…[Jonah Goldberg]
Another deadline? But I just passed one…

Any readers know anything about broken lightbulbs? Thanks in advance.




Q: How many Robert Novaks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Mushrooms grow best in the dark.




Q: How many Paul Krugmans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but he’ll spend three weeks writing about why the burned-out lightbulb is Bush’s fault.

Note: this also works as an answer to “How many Ted Barlows does it take to change a lightbulb?”




Q: How many Little Green Footballs posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: #1 LordVoldemort 1/16/2003 08:53AM PST
Did you know that Israeli industry makes 2.3 lightbulbs every year for each Jew on earth. How many would you like to bet Arab industry makes?

#2 Mike 1/16/2003 08:57AM PST
Seriously. Our friends the Saudis would be eating Ramadan dinner in the dark if it wasn’t for Israel. And what a shame that would be…

#3 SpumCo 1/16/2003 09:04AM PST
Islam: the Religion of Peace!

#4 Ben P 1/16/2003 09:14 AM PST
You don't understand. We lazy Western pigs need lightbulbs. But Muslims aren’t subject to our perverted Western ideas of illumination; all the illumination they need comes from the Koran. And since they’re only subject to the Sharia, not the dhimmi's laws, they can blow up every light bulb factory in Israel. Allah will provide all the light they need.

Or at least, that's probably what they think.

#5 JamesBeam 1/16/2003 09:32 AM PST
And after the lightbulb factories were blown up, we could watch CNN/ MSNBC/ ABCBSNBC to see the heartbreaking stories of how the poor palis at their madrasas had to squint to read their lessons. Because, never forget, they’re the real victims here.

#6 RighteousDude 1/16/2003 09:35 AM PST
#3 SpumCo: LOL!





Q: How many Sean Hannitys does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

A: Opportunitybulb! Opportunitybulb!

ALAN COLMES: Of course, I’m sorry. Opportunitybulb.




Q: How many Green party voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Dude, we shouldn't have to change lightbulbs. GE has this secret lab in Costa Rica, and they made a lightbulb out of hemp that totally lasts forever.




Q: How many Ann Coulters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: She doesn't need to. Sweet, sweet Ann can light up a room with her smile.




Q: How many campaign dirty tricks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Q wants to focus on how negativity can change a lightbulb. But is it too much to ask that he changes it? Apparently it is. Maybe that's why Citizens for Responsible Lighting gives Q a "D-" when it comes to providing the illumination that so many families depend upon. [subliminal image: MOLESTOR]

Call Q and tell him to do his job.

Paid for by Citizens for Responsible Lighting

Q: A wants you to believe that he has the courage to change lightbulbs. [visual: carefully cropped photo of A, hiding Vietnam wounds and "Certified Lightbulb Changer" badge] Let's look at the facts.

FACT: Q has changed over 200 lightbulbs in this state.
FACT: A only established residency in this state in 1995. [carefully cropped photo of A wearing Shelbyville Shelbyvillians baseball jersey and cap.]
FACT: A has discussed a quota-based system of hiring lightbulb changers [subliminal image: black man stepping on white man and laughing]

A doesn't understand our values, or our problems. A wants you to believe that he has the courage to lead. But can we take that chance?

Q: Leadership that's working

Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect Q
A: Good evening, how are you tonight? Sorry to bother you at home, ma'am, but I wonder if you would mind answering a few questions about the upcoming election. It will only take five minutes or less, and your opinions are very important to us. First, are you aware of Candidate Q? Would you say your opinion of him is very negative, somewhat negative, somewhat positive, or very positive?

Second, if you heard that Q had fathered a child out of wedlock with Anna Nichole Smith, would that affect your opinion of him? Are you aware that he has never shown proof that these charges are not true?

Q mole: Dear George Will,

I believe that the enclosed documents will be of interest to the A debate preparation team...
A: His name is Q. Come on. Q...

Don't make us spell it out.

[visual: Disco Q wearing leather harness and lathering up a man in tight shorts and roller skates (artist's conception)]

Paid for by mmmph mmm mmph

Q: NOTICE: PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE NEXT WEDNESDAY.

If you believe that you are qualified to vote, your polling station is the OLD ABANDONED RAILROAD STATION on 115th Street.

BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO VOTE, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ALL OUTSTANDING FINES, WARRANTS, TAXES, UTILITY BILLS, OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOKS AND RENTALS, AND POTENTIAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

NO FATTYS.





Friday:

Q: Ari, the New York Times ran a story yesterday saying that the Bush Administration has a greater percentage of broken lightbulbs than any administration since the Great Depression. Does the Administration have any comment on that report?

A: As you probably know, I really can't say anything about lightbulbs which may or may not be broken. All information on lightbulbs has been classified for reasons of national security.

Q: What? Since when?

Q: Why- (several people speaking at once)

A: Folks, folks, I think the American people understand that sometimes national security has to come before your need to get a story.

Q: What do broken lightbulbs have to do with national security? We were talking about them just yesterday! Lightbulbs have never been a secret.

Q: It's true- look! I can't access the lightbulbs.gov webpage on my laptop.

A: Yes, that has been taken down. I think I've already addressed that question. Just because you ask it twice doesn't mean I will answer it differently the second time. I really can't comment any further. Howard?

Q: Ari, does President Bush feel that the former administration's "loose lips" regarding lightbulbs may have created a security risk that contributed to September 11?

FIN
For your further enjoyment, here is every other original lightbulb joke that I'm aware of, from comments, email, and surfing around. (A few snuck in that I know aren't original, but such is life.) I've divided them into few posts. They're in no particular order, so don't think that the best ones are at the top- keep reading.

I'll tell you right now that some of these jokes are pretty dumb. Address all criticism to someone else.


Kyle

Q: How many Christopher Hitchens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: The moral decay of the left has never been made more evident than by listening to their tautologically tortured arguments in opposition to lightbulb regime change. If the lightbulb burns out in our presence, does that not then double our moral responsibility to change it? It seems my former comrades would prefer a darkened room, using the United States past mistakes in lightbulb policy as an excuse to ignore what I believe is an obviously new situtation. As for myself, I recognize theocratic darkness as the menace it is, and am proud to take part in the fight against it.




Steven desJardins

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Lightbulbs are "Old Media". Today we can download photons directly from the Internet!




Nelson

Q: How many Mickey Kauses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Has Howell Raines lightbulb obsession begun to take its toll on New York Times' reporting staff? Adam Nagourney, normally a fine reporter, devotes most of his story today to the burned-out bulb, but buries the fact that lightbulb burnouts are down almost 10 percent since the 1996 welfare reform bill. Could it be that as single mothers enter the workforce they use less electricity in their homes and prolong the life of their bulbs? Another benefit of welfare reform!

P.S. Brad Delong claims that the burn out decline can be pinned on recent skyrocketing electricity prices he blames on the Bush administration. Maybe so. But aren't higher electricity prices a good thing, if they encourage single mothers to go off welfare?




Q: How many Michael Kellys does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The conventional wisdom among the braying Washington elites is that the light bulb needs changing. But as sophisticated society works itself into a tizzy, it’s worth considering some facts. In 1999, when the light bulb was originally installed, it was apparent to all but the most cretinous observers that some day it would have to be replaced. There was only one responsible option: Destroy the fixture. But remember, this was also the era of President Beezelbub Clinton. Our repulsive leader was too interested in wallowing in his own filth to be distracted by such petty concerns as the continued existence of the nation. In the most disgusting act of perfidy in the history of mankind, the obscene boy-king installed the light bulb. Today, the liberal jackaninnies and simpletons that populate the media can be counted on to make their feeble defenses on his behalf. These witless apologists are nothing more than Golliwogs and Mugwumps. Bazzomba! Habblubaoa!! ZZHHablsibasap! ….




Q: How many Howard Finemans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: His predecessor would have hosted all-night bull sessions on the intricacies of indoor lighting, But unlike Bill Clinton, Bush has little patience for the intellectual jousting of policy wonks. Comfortable in his own skin, he is sure of one thing: the lightbulb must be changed. Those who know him best predict he will address the crisis with the same quiet intensity he brings to his afternoon games of computer solitaire.

Just over two years ago, an untested governor of Texas became president of a deeply divided America. Today, a leader of almost mythic proportions, George W. Bush is poised to lift the nation out of darkness. His journey is our journey. His story is our story. The story of all fifty-something white males with incomes over $200,000 a year.




Q: How many Tim Russerts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Mr. Lightbulb, I would like to read you something. This is from your own packaging. It's about six months old. It says that the bulb -- that's you -- will produce , and this is a direct quote --"nothing but cleaner, whiter looking light." Yet just six months later, you are not producing any light at all. Again, this was from your own packaging. How do you respond to those who would say the lightbulb said one thing six months ago but has now abandoned that position for political advantage? Also, have you definitely ruled out a run for the presidency in 2012?




Q: How many Josh Marshalls does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Although inexplicably ignored by the Washington press corps, the administration’s failure to foresee the need to change the light bulb represents a misjudgment of colossal proportions.

More on this later.




Kmylanta

Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. The same as regular people.




Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And $25 million in damages from the cold, heartless, multinational corporation whose reckless disregard for public safety lead to the production of such a hazardous product in the first place.




Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change his favorite lightbulb?

A: Boy, that's a good question. The question I usually get is who is your political hero and the leader that you admire the most. And that person would be the person whose Senate seat I hold, Terry Sanford, who was Governor of North Carolina and had been in the United States Senate for the simple reason that we talked about earlier, that he led North Carolina in a time of great racial unrest and unlike other southern leaders at the same time who fought for segregation, did not have the courage to stand up for what was right, Terry Sanford did exactly the opposite. He showed real leadership in a time of crisis and difficulty and character and backbone, which I myself, speaking for myself, I think that's what leadership is about. It's about strength and courage, understanding the problems of regular people, but having the wisdom and vision to stand up for what's right.

Q: How about the lightbulb?

A: I mean, no specific, no favorite lightbulb comes to mind right now.

A week later, in Salon ...

Q: So, before you go, do you have an answer yet on your favorite lightbulb?

A: I don't have a favorite lightbulb, that's why I didn't have an answer for that question.




Mystery reader

Q: How many Wall Street Journal editorial page writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: All of them together can't do it. In order to remove the old bulb, they'd have to turn left, and no one's willing to consider it.




Charles Kuffner

Q. How many Instapundits does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Look, I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong to oppose the President's position on preemptive light-bulb removal. It's possible that what's best for the bulb is what's best for America. I am saying that there are plenty of misguided people who don't seem to realize that their movement is the key to the survival of a nasty and outmoded form of lighting. It's harsh, but it's unarguably true that those who oppose halogens are objectively pro-fluorescence.




Charles Donefer

Q: How many Mickey Kauses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: The lightbulb isn't actually burned out - Howell Raines and his crusading liberal New York Times just want you to believe that the lack of illumination is a product of a burned-out light, whereas anybody who has done any research into the situation will tell you that Paul Krugman is actually a black hole, sucking all the photons from the room.




Seth Michaels

Q: How many Democratic Senators does it take to keep the Bush Administration from changing a lightbulb for the worse?

A: At least 41, and then only if they're really willing to go the distance.




Q: How many Instapundits does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two - one to insist upon light-bulb change, and one to criticize everyone else in the room for being "objectively pro-darkness."




Andrew Northrup

Q: How many North Korean nuclear devices does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Saddam Hussein.

(The preceeding joke has been brought to you by George W. Bush.)




Ross from Bloviator

Q: How many drug companies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None. Dick Armey does it for them.




Robert McLaughlin

Q: How many uptown New Orlenians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call public service( the local utility ) and the other to mix the martinis.




Jenn Polk

Q. How many former drunken fratboy cheerleaders who went AWOL from the National Guard, got rich running two companies into the ground, became richer by getting into the pockets of Arlington Texas taxpayers, and then were appointed president by the Supreme Court does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. His daddy's friends will change it for him, and then the national media will gush over his "bold lightbulb-changing leadership."




Stephen at Doggerelpundit

Q: How many Glenn Reynolds to change a light bulb?

A: More than one, surely. But the hit logs show a single changer of twenty-six bulbs between 4:35 and 5:06 am, Tennessee time. Interleaved in the changes were 3 posts to Instapundit, a TechCentral article, a single post to GlennReynolds.com, plus a lecture prep, a read/grade of 15 bluebooks, and a band practice. A post on the bulb changes was up by 5:15, with Updates at 5:41 and 6:02. Heh. Indeed.




Daniel at U of T

Q: How many den Beste's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Back when I was working for Qualcomm, a lot of the engineering we did was made possible by the many bulbs that illuminated our working areas. Of course these bulbs were only worth using for two reasons: 1. They weren't made in the EU, where their rigid labour markets and centralized approach to competition (or lack thereof) leads them to develop and adopt inferior technology that is decades behind the US, and 2. They weren't MacBulbs. Sure, you see ads claiming that MacBulbs are in fact 50% brighter than PC bulbs, but that's not really true. Those statistics were collected based on flawed testing methods, since the bulbs were tested in rooms arranged specifically to maximize the MacBulbs' light distribution. And it doesn't matter anyway, since the MacBulbs themselves are based on old filaments that Motorola doesn't want to update, for reasons pertaining to the network effect. And while Apple waits for the new IBM filaments to come out, Intel and AMD are cranking up the luminesence of their current filaments (which are already brighter than their MacBulb counterparts), and creating even more powerful filaments that will continue to blow the MacBulbs right out of the water. If Apple doesn't do something fast, MacBulbs may fast find themselves disappearing.

Update: Capitalist Lion points out that I could've just twisted clockwise. Doh!
Stephen Aquila

Q: How many Antonin Scalias does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They didn't have working light bulbs when the Constitution was written, so it was obviously meant to be read by daylight or candlelight only.




Max Sawicky

Q. How many Glenn Hubbards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. It is not necessary to change the lightbulb. There is no evidence that visibility moves in lockstep with new lightbulb installation.




Q. How many Larry Lindseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. All you need to do is open the refrigerator door.




Q. How many John Snows does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. The problem is which John Snow. The one who thought we needed to conserve electricity, or the one who thinks that electrical power is limitless.




Q. How many Karl Roves does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Karl Rove ain't changin no lightbulb. You're changing the bulb, bub, and if you don't he'll fuck you frontways, sideways, upside down, and your career at Princeton will be over.




Contract3d

Q: How many Bushes, senior and junior, does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "Lightbulbs can burn out?"




RonK, Seattle

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to illuminate the effect of deficit spending on interest rates?




Mike D

Q: How many Ari Fleischers does it take to cha--
A: How did I know you were going to ask that? [laughter]
Q: -- does it take, take to --
A: I think we both know the answer to that. The question is, why would you betray your country, your parentage and your creed as a journalist, in that order, by asking it? Well?
Q: -- change a lightbulb?
A: That's enough for one day about the lightbulb. Tom?




Greg Beato

Q: How many Bill O'Reillys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: See, I don' t -- I don't do the incandescent thing. I mean, I think we're all Americans here - whether we're light bulbs, humans, lanterns, whatever. I see us all as Americans. And that's why when you've got these so-called leaders from the light-bulb community demanding change - playing the light-bulb card, basically - well, that's just baloney! It is un-American and insulting to you, the public, which deserves to know the truth.




Q: How many Michael Moores does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Why are we Americans so scared of the dark? And so crazy about our light bulbs? Our mentality as Americans is to turn on the lights first and ask questions later. We just go for the switch in a way that no other country does. And I don't mean that just on a personal level. I mean that on a political level and on a global level too - we are the world's biggest light-bulb maker. I mean, you can buy 5000-watt halogen bulbs at K-Mart! For what? Shooting deer? Even Stevie Wonder doesn't need a 5000-watt halogen bulb to shoot a deer...




Q: How many Ann Coulters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change it? We need to execute light bulbs that go out, in order to physically intimidate all liberal illumination devices, by making them realize that they can be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors.




Q: How many John Lotts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I had Lott for classes when he was on the faculty at the Wharton Business School at the University of Pennsylvania, and I watched him screw in light bulbs on many occasions. It was very interesting to watch, and Lott screws in light bulbs very well. Unlike other light-bulb screwers, Professor Lott uses all the FBI data that is available. No wonder the Democrats don't want anyone else to see his methods. He didn't just light up my life - I truly believed he saved it.

-- Mary Rosh (maryrosh@aol.com)



Hesiod

Q: How many relatives of Nigerian Dictators does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Hello my friend. My name is Dasani Abacha, the great, great grand neice of former President Abacha's brother-in-law's cousin's nephew, thrice removed.

Owing to my position as a close confidante of Abacha President, I can tell you right now that you help is being needed for an important task. I was referred to you because I know you can be trusted.

The late President, thanks to the kind assistance of his subjects, amassed a large fortune in incandescant lighting fixtures. No one, it seems, has been able to claim it, and I want to let you in on the dirt floor of this opportunity. Nigeria has no use for electric lightbulbs, but they are very much valuable in other parts of the world, I am told.

Therefore, I need a trustworthy fellow such as yourself to help me ship these objects out of the country. I have already found a willing buyer in a rich =Arab nation. You will be paid very well for your service. A percentage of the profits, totally $3.7 million.

Please contact me right away to help me in this work. I cannot ship the bulbs out to our buyer without first finding a broker. You must be that person.

Contact me as soon as you can to make the arrangements.




Q: How many Steven Den Beste's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: As I watched, with some degree of excitement, the welcome news that the otherwise ineffectual Hans Blix, and his team of United Nations Weapons Inspectors, finally found the "smoking warhead," I was reminded that in 6th century Arabia, the successors to Muhammad were in much the same position as the United States.

Q: Yes. But...um...what about that lightbulb thing?

A: Ahh yes, the lightbulb. I have abit of inside knowledge about the technological standards of the most wideley used lightbulbs on the market today. As many of my readers know, I used to work at General Electric designing improved carbon filaments to extend the length and candle-power of modern lightbulbs. We were, of course, mocked by the Europeans for using the Carbon filament standard, as they maintained that a silicon based standard was far superior.

And, to a certain extent, they were correct. For a while. They implemented the new silicon-based standard via the European Union, and left themselves vulnerable to the new Halogen, and Flourescent technologies furiously being developed in the United States because our Government regulators had the foresight not to pick and choose winners and losers.

As a result, the invisible hand decided. And now, energy efficient soft-white bulbs, flourescent bulbs, halogen bulbs, and a whole host of other lighting technologies have flooded the U.S. marketplace to the benefit of consumers. Just another example of why the purveyors of "Arab Traditionalism' (a phrase I coined, of course) in places like Pakistan, and Turkey, despise the united States. Lightbulbs, in all their dizzying array, are anethema to Shar'ia, or Islamic laws. Mohammed got by with lamp oil, and torches. Therefore, artificial lighting is deemed an abomination against Allah.

A: Ummm....OK. But...how many...

Q: I know, of course, that Turkey and Pakistan are not "technically" Arabic countries, but that's an artificial distinction. They act on the old Islamic empire notions first advanced by Muhammed in the 6th century, and therefore, my preoccupation with "Arab Traditinalism," the only name I could come up with after much tortured introspection, is not merely an expression of my own ignorance and bigotry, as some of my critics suggest, but of a broader understanding of the enemies we are facing. Does it really matter that Pakistan in not an "Arab" culture? Certainly in some sense it does. But, by applying a deceptive, disingenuous label to the hatred many Muslims feel toward the success and virility of the United States, I am simplifying the terminology so that our necessary war against the threat that is Saddam Hussein (rational or not) will not be misunderstood.

A: Wha...?

Q: A good question. I wish I had all the answers. But, if I can digress for a moment. You have to realize that they want to destroy us. And by "destroy" I mean subsume our culture, traditions, freedoms, and even the style of blue jeans we wear, into a neo-Arabic empire the likes of which has not been seen on this Earth since the hordes of Turkic invaders conquered and co-opted the Islamic empires then extant in the 13th century a.d. This has a direct impact on lightbulbs, incidentally, as we wll no longer be able to perfrom the simple, sacred act of travelling to our local home improvment store, or Walmart, and buy a 4-pack of 75 watt bulbs. They would call this restriction "ilumination of the soul," but we know that it would anything but that.

Q: My head hurts....

A: As does my heart, when I see the plight of women in the Arab world. Particularly in Pakistan and Indonesia.

Q: Arabic Indonesia? But I thought...

A: Yes. That's what you've been led to believe by the appeasement cabal. But Indonesians are Arabs too. In spirit. All our enemies are Arabs.

Q: Even the North Koreans....?

A: Oh yes, Most especially them! They are even more Arabic than the Saudis, which is saying quite a bit. They are agressive. They are dogmatic. They want nuclear weapons. They even see the United States as an enemy. All the classic symptoms of "Arab Nationalism". A virus that is spreading.

Q: Do you have any Alleve?

A: Nothing can alleviate the problem, save a large-scale war causing massive death and destruction in Arab lands. This will teach them a lesson in history they shall never forget. It will break their will. Their spirit. It is necessary. I wish it were not so.

Q: You mean we should go to war with the North Koreans?

A: Of course not! Where did you get that silly idea? To stamp out "Arab Traditionalism," you have to stamp out Arabia. That means the nations in the Persian Gulf.

Q: I give up.

A: I see the appeasers have broken your will, my son. Fear not. We who are the soldiers of righteousness (and not in the religious sense, although it sounds like it) will prevail in this titanic struggle for history's soul. The "West" triumphant. Now all we need is a very large body count.




Q: How many Glenn Reynolds' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, OR JUST AN ONCOMING TRAIN? James Lileks says that Iraq's clandestine exploding lightbulb program (think "Burt Reynolds" and "The Longest Yard") is a threat to international peace and security because they could inject deadly toxins such as ricin into the bulbs, and potentially assasinate dissidents, OR other of Saddam's enemies.

I think this is just about right. And, the recent arrest of several islamic extremists in Britain does make one wonder. How many lightbulbs did they have?

UPDATE: Meryl Yourish reminds me that among the shipment of arms intended for the Palestinian authority intercepted last year, were several crates full of German-made lightbulbs. How many of the bulbs made their way to Al Qaeda terrorist cells via Hamas, and Saddam Hussein? And what does this mean for Gerhard Shroeder's culpability in the continuation of mideast violence and terrorism?

UPDATE: Jim Henley (the only one of my legion of critics that I regularly link to) takes issue with my conclusions, arguing that "[l]ightbulbs, are lightbulbs. Sure, in rare circumstances they can be used to cause injury or death. But, the normal, and overwhelmingly most common use for them is to provide adequate indoor lighting. I think you're reading way to much into this, as usual."

Good point Jim. Although, it has to be said...what does Saddam need with so many German lightbulbs? Look for my upcoming Tech Central Station column on the mechanics of turning the common household lightbulb into a weapon of terror.




Q: How many President George W. Bush's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. You will never find a lightbulb over Bush's head.
Atrios

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Trent Lott: If we'd elected Strom Thurmond in 1948, it never would've gone dark in the first place.




Archpundit

A. Your hysteric claims that there is a light bulb crisis is overblown hype of the bulblists. As societies become richer all of their bulb problems are solved and the bulbs actually regenerate into longer lasting bulbs. Worrying about bulbs is simply done to extort more money out of the light bulb interest group members.




Jim Henley

Q: How many warbloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Today's Mark Steyn column is a must read!




Spacewaitress

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. "The lightbulb changed me, in ways I'd never even imagined."




Jesse at Pandagon

Q: How many broken lightbulbs does it take for the United States to declare war?

A: At least ten million barrels.




Q: How many Mickey Kauses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to blame Howell Raines for his anti-light bulb bias, one to praise a conservative for pointing out what's wrong with the lightbulb, and another one to wonder how many "ghetto bulbs" have burned out since welfare reform. [I'm the one who actually changes the bulb- ed.]




Andy

Q: How many semantic web opponents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It's easier to ignore the tag soup in the dark.

(makes a lot more sense in context)




Tim Dunlop

George Bush on the art of changing lightbulbs: Change me once. Shame on - shame on you. Change me, won't get changed again. Oh well.

Or Clinton: Depends what your definition of changed is.




Robert Vickery

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That depends on your definition of the word 'screw'.




Paul

Q: How many Ken Burns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Sixteen hours and three hundred long-winded diary entries so far ... [Ed: You didn't answer the question! I'm not constrained by "Old Media" types like Howell Raines!...]




Slactivist

Q: How many Clarence Thomases does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: [high squeaky voice from other side of the court] Just one.

Q: Justice Scalia, if you don't mind, I'd like Justice Thomas to answer for himself ...

A: [same voice] But that was me!

Q: Justice Scalia, please. I can see your lips moving ...




skippy

q: how many bill clintons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a: we weren't aware he screwed in light bulbs, but since he screwed in every other part of the white house, we aren't surprised.




q: how many george w. bushes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a: just one, and his name is karl rove.




Stephanie Zvan

Q: How many Bush tax-cut recipients does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Lightbulbs get changed? Honey, we have someone for that, right?




Paul L

Q: How many Fox News panelists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Can't be done. Lightbulbs unscrew to the left.




Matt Weiner

Q: How many Administration officials did it take to change the light bulb?

A: I don't know why you think the lightbulb has changed. That's the same lightbulb we've always had.




Andy X

Q: How many Administration officials did it take to change the light bulb?

A: The light bulb was covertly observed in early 2001 meeting in Dusseldorf with Al Qeada representatives and members of Saddam's Republican Guards. We have the proof, but we won't release it to protect our sources. BOMB IRAQ!!!"




cd

Q: How many libertarians does it take to stop a Panzer division?

A: None, obviously market forces will take care of it if there's a need.




Julia

Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: TANSTAAFL (there ain't no such thing as a free lightbulb) so they'll just sit in the dark.




Q: How many Bush administration foreign policy advisors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only an objectively pro-dark person would consider asking that question.




VCHS

Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: The darkness will cause the bulb to screw in all by itself.




joe barnes

q: how many andrew sullivans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

a: just one -- and he uses his power glutes!




tom burroughes

Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: If it weren't for government regulations of electricity, the lightbulb would not have burned out.




John Isbell

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I resent the implications of that question. I believe the President has already answered it.




Tbogg

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Five. The same amount it took to select a dimbulb.




Kevin Raybould

Q. How does Sid Blumenthal change a lightbulb?

A. He gets Atrios to do it for him




Clint McGuire

Q: How many Limbaughs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "My friends, don't you think that Bill Clinton would have seen that the light bulb would eventually burn out, and-and-and-and what did he do about it? (pounds desk) Not a damn thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for President Bush, is all I have to say. Under his bold leadership, we can make our way through the darkness.

"I mean, sure, the liberals are gonna whine and complain 'but Rush, we need to change the lightbulb!!!' Folks, that is just the kind of thinking that got us into this mess in the first place.




joseppi

Q: How many late night night comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Monica Lewinsky!




Jeanne

Southern Partisan: Mr. Ashcroft, do you think lightbulbs should have to change?

Mr. Ashcroft: They shouldn't even consider changing, I'm glad your magazine asked this question. Your magazine also helps set the record straight. You've got a heritage of doing that, of defending light bulbs like soft white, frosted white, and my favorite, just plain white. Traditionalists must do more. I've got to do more. We've all got to stand up and speak in this respect, or else we'll be taught that these light bulbs were giving their lives, subscribing their sacred fortunes and their honor to some perverted agenda.




Michael Farris

Q: How many presidents named Bush does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: We must invade Iraq.




Toby

Q: How many right-wing bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Michael Moore is such a fat wanker. I mean he..... ....oh wait - what was that about a lightbulb?




cobb

q: how many black neocons does it take to change a lightbulb?

a: for two many years blacks have been complaining that it's too dark. they've always wanted the government to buy them a ladder. the chinese can write backwards and upside down in the dark! blacks always ask for a hand up the ladder, but what about the white kid that has perfect ladder climbing skills? why should he wait in line behind a black?




Diogenes

Q: How many Paul Krugmans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: In a better world, all he'd have to do is stare at the persons responsible for the light bulb's breaking and make them change it. But since he, like the rest of us, now lives in Bush's Bizarro World -- you know, where the poor pay out a higher rate of their money in taxes than do the rich, and where Republicans champion deficit spending? -- all he can do is document for posterity, in crystal-clear, unassailable and factually airtight fashion, just how the Lightbulb Breakers are screwing us all.




Kyle Shiel

Q: How many Christopher Hitchens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: The moral decay of the left has never been made more evident than by listening to their tautologically tortured arguments in opposition to lightbulb regime change. If the lightbulb burns out in our presence, does that not then double our moral responsibility to change it? It seems my former comrades would prefer a darkened room, using the United States past mistakes in lightbulb policy as an excuse to ignore what I believe is an obviously new situtation. As for myself, I recognize theocratic darkness as the menace it is, and am proud to take part in the fight against it.




Emily Jones

Q: How many Noam Chomskies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to produce a 60 page treatise on how the words “light” and “bulb”, when taken together, imply the existence of a bulb that produces light while also asserting that both the color and the phallic nature of the bulb infer the superiority of white males, and another to just screw the damn thing in, already.




Tim at Lemme 'Splain

Q. How many Paul Wolfowitz' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. There is adequate proof the light bulb in question has already been screwed in; I have the evidence, the witnesses and the internal sources to prove it. I haven't made the bulb-insertion information public as a matter of national security. If released some of this information could give our enemies clues on how to screw in their own lightbulbs. No doubt they would use this knowledge to their advantage by lighting up rooms non-adjacent to windows, or rooms darkened by nightfall. With this knowledge they could map out their horrible plots 24 hours a day, where previously, during the dark hours, they could only sit quietly or sleep.

I find it troubling the complete darkness that envelopes this room is being presented as a challenge to my claims. I think this has more to do with knee-jerk ocularism than a review of the facts. My position is clear: the lightbulb is already screwed in.




Eric at Antidotal

Q: How many John Ashcrofts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Lightbulbs? We don't need no stinkin' lightbulbs! Off to secret detention for you!
Combustible Boy

Q. How many Lilekses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Gnat sat bored and anxious, eyes glazed over like the frosting on a 200-watt bulb as she confronted the Target aisle full of row after row of little bulb boxes, a panoply of choice that would, if we had any sense, make us get on our knees and weep at the bounty we take for granted while halfway around the world somebody squats in a shelter made of bombed-out rubble and hopes that the walls are closed enough that the wife can take her veil off for a moment without the Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtue deciding she's outside uncovered and taking the house apart to get the stones to stone her with. Must have been twenty different sizes in ten different wattages and more colors than a Peter Max poster exhibition, plus some of those little halogen bulbs that'll go unused in the dorm-room desklamp while the room's inhabitants sit on the floor hashing over the inherent evil of the modern technological capitalism that gave them the choice to spend six years studying Postmodern Ecofeminist Litcrit and staring lysergically at a lava lamp rather than squinting at a ledger by candlelight in the bookkeeping room while debating whether to ask Mr. Scrooge again for another lump of coal.

What's surprising is that Target hasn't seized more on the opportunity to sell designer lightbulbs -- maybe one with the sort of old-fashioned look that you'd see in the beaded and pompom-festooned lamp Alan Ladd would knock over at his girlfriend's apartment in a wartime noir piece. Wasn't until after the Krauts were routed and domestic bliss got back on the agenda that designers of consumer products were able to revive the memories of Bauhaus and streamline the look of everything in the middle-American house. Of course, in the days around the first World War they wouldn't have kept a German name like Bauhaus -- maybe they would have called it Victory Austerity or some such -- but these were new days, Marshall Plan help-our-enemies-rebuild days, when everything from the spanking-new high school to the water-pumping station for the new suburb was done up in a faux Moderne style that soon came to be what everything looked like.

Someone brought forward from 1942, though, might have noticed something besides the range of bulb choices; some of the lightbulbs for sale were from Siemens, the giant German electrical conglomerate. Germans! Who's going to win the war, anyway? But today we don't bat an eye at Germans unless they're intentionally trying to tick us off for domestic electoral success. It'll be like that in the future too: when Gnat's my age and shopping for bulbs, she'll probably have a chance to glance over a brand or two that're based in the long-democratic Kurdistan and nearby South Syria.

Anyway: Friday! Pizza tonight, and already Jasper's pacing around, waiting for the chance to bark hosannas at the delivery boy. This time I'm thinking of heating up a jar of my own extra sauce to dip each slice in before I take a bite. Can't work out any worse than last week's attempt to make my own pie.




David Hogberg

Q: How many Hesiods does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: That stupid, disingenuous Dubyah never had to change a lightbulb in his RICH, SPOILED, FRATBOY life. And if he says he did, he is a LIAR!




Andrew Milner:

Q: How many Stephen Glasses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Forty-three, according to the 15,000-member Committee for Responsible Lightbulb Installation, Properly Inflated Monica Lewinsky Dolls and Talkative Teenaged Computer Hackers, which met last week at a Langley-area Marriott. "That's right, 43. And George W. Bush is the 43rd president," a CRLIPIMLDTTCH executive vice-president says over eggs Benedict at a nearby TGI Fridays. "Makes you wonder..."




Ampersand

Q: How many anti-feminist men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Why is it always men who have to change the light bulb? Why are men always women's slaves? This is just another example of the anti-male attitudes pervading society!




Q: How many anti-feminist men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One antifeminist man to do it, and three other antifeminists to stand around and discuss how this just shows men are better equipped for light-bulb changing.




Q: How many anti-feminist men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds on to the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around his needs.




C Bryan at Mad Prophet

Q: How many Noam Chomskies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: First, we must determine if the lightbulb in question actually wants to be changed, and if so, would it rather change itself or have change forced upon it by an outside power.

Secondly, we must look at the United State's record in lightbulb changing, wherein it does a good job of changing lightbulbs if it is in its own best interests, but has been a major opponent of changing lightbulbs if it's interests would be better served by keeping anyone living in the area affected by the lightbulb in the dark. Take, for example, the U.S. policy of supporting Right-Wing Lightbulb Dictators in South America....




E. Rush Carskadden

Q: How many Daschles does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll tie it up in committee for months, then try to put in a lightbulb that is environmentally unfriendly when nobody's looking.




Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Burning out is part of that lightbulb's culture. Who are you to ask for change?




Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether it's a Federal job-creation program.




Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's just another hand-out to the lightbulb industry.




Q: How many Sheryl Crows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Changing the lightbulb is not the answer. The best solution is just not to have lightbulbs.




Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulbs only provide light to the top 1% of the room.




Charles Murtaugh

Q: How many angry liberal bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, now that the big lightbulb has gone on over Mickey Kaus's head, sez digby. Ha ha, what an asshole.




Trish Wilson

Q: How many Dubyas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There's nothing wrong with the lightbulb. Flip on the damned wall switch, ya idiot.




Q: How many U. N. weapons inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What lightbulb?




“Al Gore”

You know, ever since I took the initiative in creating the lightbulb, I have been profoundly concerned about the incandescent divide between our society's fortunate few and the many struggling, hard-working families out there who have placed their hopes and dreams in a lockbox for the future. But what I really want to say is that I have constructed a new website where my loyal supporters can download MPEG videos -- MPEG stands for "motion picture experts group", friends of mine -- of me planting the Big Sloppy on my wife Tipper. It costs just $19.95 for the first download, but you'll have the right to download an infinite number of copies to distribute at your grassroots meetings while you plan your totally unexpected convention floor rally to draft me for president in Boston the summer after next...




Seth D. Michaels

Q: How many Calpundits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: LIGHTBULBS...AND THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEM: People who speak of "burned-out lightbulbs" get talked about a lot in the blogosphere, but what they don't realize is this: compact flourescent bulbs save significant amounts of energy. For example, compact flourescent light bulbs use one-quarter the electricity of incandescent bulbs. Replacing just one incandescent light bulb will save a consumer $50 and reduce carbon emissions by 1,000 pounds over the life of the bulb. Does it make sense that the Bush administration continues to avoid advocacy of compact flourescent blubs?




Cowboy Kahlil

Q: How many codemonkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Virtual illumination devices accessible by handheld Sporkdood Total Destiny Organizers, tapping into 3G wifi networks via microsmartcards will be available in February, but will be outmoded before then.

A2: Less than that, if Apple, Sun or Linux does it.

A3: If I answer this publicly, Bill Gates will eat my balls.

A4:All of them; it's an open source project.

A5: pHr33 k3vl/V /V\lt/V l



Q: How many hawkish Presidential advisers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, we all have exemptions.




Q: How many UN inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: We have no evidence to suggest the presence of an answer.




Q: How many security alerts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: ochre




Q: How many unindicted Middle Eastern immigrant detainees does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: the one at the airport taking flying lessons that I told you about 6 months ago.




David

Q: How many Mickey Kaus's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One (Aren't you forgetting someone?-Ed.). Advantage Kausfiles!




Zizka

A. Knock knock.

Q. Who's there?

A. Elephant.

Q. How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. You don't get down off and elephant, you get down off a duck.




Charles from Disinfotainment

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Even the framing of this question makes a grid of patriarchal assumptions that reveals a slavish devotion to phallocentric ideas - such as, technical accomplishment has inherent value, knowledge can be attained and quantities of labor can be determined empirically, all of which makes a discourse which further marginalizes the already disenfranchised.




Josh

Q: How many Nader voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 10,000, but you have to consider that there were 50,000 registered Democrats who also voted to change the lightbulb. Not to mention that the lightbulb got changed in its home state.




Ruth

Q: How many Jonah Goldbergs...?

A: Just one, but his mom got him the platform.




New Dem, re: Gore

You forgot the obvious:

1. He'd INVENT a new one. (Feb. - Sept. 2000)
2. He'd sigh until Tipper changed it. (Oct. - Nov. 2000)
3. He'd object that the Republicans rewired the light switch to turn a bulb on in Crawford Tx. and demand his meterman recount his kilowatt usage. (Nov. - Dec. 2000)
4. He'd grow a beard to stay warm in the dark. (2003)




Q. How many Mickey Kauses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. I predict this broken lightbulb story will be off the front page by Thanksgiving.




Greg, among others

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!




bloglover

Q: How many Howard Bashman's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, and he will not only change the lightbulb, but also link to his lightbulb changing under the title "My first lightbulb changing" on the top of his blog, reprint e-mails he receives from appellate clerks and judges, complimenting him on his fine lightbulb changing, and pointing out that 10,000 people have been illuminated by the lightbulb he changed in the last hour.




Alex Frantz

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Plus 57 pundits to say Gore is trying to reinvent himself as a light bulb changer, make fun of Gore's claim that he invented the light bulb, attack Gore's inconsistency in throwing away the same bulb he installed two years ago, comment on what color clothes Gore wore when he changed the bulb, accuse him of hypocrisy for using light bulbs while supporting the Kyoto Protocols, and say that the bulb was changed in a stiff and wooden manner.




Q: How many Joe Liebermans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We must move beyond narrow partisanship. I am not afraid to replace a light bolb that is working or leave a burned out bulb in place.




Q: How many Bill Frists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Senator Frist saw a light bulb that needed changing and as a trained bulb-changer volunteered to change it in an act of heroism. Later, he charged Medicare $600 for the new bulb.